For the past few weeks I've been sufferin' terrible with the oul feet. Or to be more pacific, in the toes area on one foot - the left one. The itch was so bad at mass on Sunday tha' I had to take the shoe off an' have a good scratch. Father Collins had been sayin' somethin' about the lame an' infirm an' I think he thought tha' I was takin' the piss.
Fearin' tha' I had trenchfoot or foot an' mouth disease I took myself into the pharmacy in Dorset Street. They're always tellin' ya tha' it's the thing to do - not to be annoyin' the doctor or the A&E people. There's even a sign in the place sayin' tha' they have a private room for examinations an' consultations.
So tha' I wouldn't be mortified by a couple of big yellow cheesy feet, I went to the trouble o' washin' me feet (both o' them), an' I made sure I was wearin' clean socks.
I was glad to see tha' the assistant wasn't a young dolly bird only interested in floggin' perfume. The woman behind the counter was nearly as old as meself, an' she had a white coat so she must have known somethin'.
'Can I help ya?' she asked, an' I prepared to give her me full medical history in case some tiny detail might be important.
'Well, it's a bit of itch between the toes ...' I started to explain.
'Athlete's foot,' she said. 'This is wha' ya need.'
She pushed a tube o' gunk across the counter at me.
'Nine euro seventy,' she said clearly implying tha' this was the end o' the consultation as far as she was concerned. I have to say tha' I wasn't completely confident in her lightning diagnosis. I didn't feel tha' the problem was gettin' the attention it deserved. It wasn't like I was askin' for blue lights an' a helicopter, but she might at least have had a feckin' look. The feet washin' an' the clean socks were a waste of time. I felt miffed. I began to suspect tha' her white coat came from her other job in a pork shop.
'Are ya sure?' I asked.
'Yeah - Athlete's foot,' she said.
'Well, if me leg falls off, I'll be back to complain,' I said.
'Grand,' she replied. 'Hop in any time.'
Here's a St Patrick's Day gift idea! You can buy the comedy novel 'It's a Desperate Life' as a paperback or e-book from Amazon and all other good book sellers - especially the excellent Owl Bookshop in Kentish Town, London NW5, and through http://peterhammondauthor.com
