Wednesday 5 August 2015

Impure thoughts


I was at the 12 o'clock mass last Sunday. Normally I hang around at the back for the quick exit. As soon as Fr Collins says 'In the name of the Father ...' it's my starting gun to head to Magowan's for pre-prandial pints.

Last Sunday, Peggy came with me and I was escorted to the front. She wouldn't normally go marching up there either, but she has a new frock. Paddy Mulhall came and sat beside me. He doesn't like Collins and likes to get up close so that he can show Collins how bored he is.

At the communion, I couldn't help noticing young Emily Shannon as she swayed past me. There was the cloud of perfume and talcum powder before I got the full visual effect. She must have been planning on going to a night club after mass. She was wearing a tight-fitting top that was a compliment to God's creation, and a skirt that was no bigger than a tea towel. The hair and make-up were film star class and must have had her up at dawn to get it together.

She swooshed by with her curves swinging left, right, up and down. It was like watching a play in an American football game - so much happening at once that you're not sure what you're supposed to be looking at. I settled on the legs. They were long enough on their own, but propped up on six inch heels, they went on forever, until eventually they disappeared under the tea towel.

If there was a man in that church who didn't have an impure thought, it wasn't me.

As she passed me on her way back to her place, something went wrong in the shoe department, and she went over like a felled pine. I didn't trip her - I swear.

As she lay in the aisle with her modesty compromised, Father Collins, who was still miked up, said: 'If any man looks around at that poor girl, may he be struck blind.'

Paddy nudged me and whispered: 'Will we risk one eye?'

For your light summer reading buy the comedy novel 'It's a Desperate Life' as a paperback or e-book from Amazon  or through http://peterhammondauthor.com and all other good book sellers  like the excellent Owl Bookshop in Kentish Town, London NW5,