Friday 6 November 2015

Halloween story


Sammy Nugent came into Magowan's the other night - the first time I'd seen him in ages. I'd heard that he hadn't been well, and it showed. He'd lost a few stone, wasn't too steady on his feet and was the colour of raw tripe.

'There y'are Sammy,' I said. 'Y'are lookin' well. Will ya have a pint?'

He said that he might manage a bottle of stout.

'I heard ya were under the doctor,' I said.

'Ya heard right,' he said. 'I've had tubes in an' out o' every orifice. I've had blood tests, biopsies, autopsies ... you name it.'

'Bu' y'are alrigh' now?' I asked.

'I am not alrigh'.' He seemed pleased to be able to contradict me. 'I've got the Big C. An' after makin' a scientific study outa me, they say there's feck all they can do about it.'

'Jaysus,' I said. 'Tha's desperate. Can ya get a second opinion or somethin'?'

'Nah. There's already gangs o' them have had a look. They all say the same thing - I'm stuffed.

'Ah well,' I said - it's hard to know what to say in these circumstances. 'Did they say how long?'

'They won't give a straight answer. It depends - it might be this an' it might be tha'. I said to them - look I'm not goin' to sue yis if I last too long - an' if I go quicker, I won't be able to, will I?'

'Shower o' feckers,' I sympathised. 'Ya'd want to know whether ya'd be wastin' yer money buyin' a new winter coat - or puttin' an early bet on the Champion Hurdle.'

Barney Pugh was passing on his way back from the jacks. Barney is a gobshite of the first order and can't mind his own business.

'Howyis lads,' he said. 'Jaysus Sammy, ya look like shite. Are ya alrigh'?'

'No Barney, I'm not bleedin' alrigh'. I'm after gettin' bad news. Very bad news. Terminal news - an' I'm not talkin' abou' the airport.'

'Feck!' Barney said. 'Tha's too bad. I'm sorry to hear tha'. Do ya mind me askin' - wha' is it?'

'AIDS,' Sammy said.

Barney took a step backwards. He muttered some further sympathetic remark and scurried back to where he'd been sitting. I looked at Sammy.

'Why did ya tell tha' eejit ya had AIDS?' I asked.

'I don't want him tryin' to sleep with me missus after I'm gone.'

The comedy novel 'It's a Desperate Life' is now available as a paperback or e-book from Amazon  or through http://peterhammondauthor.com and all other good book sellers.