Friday 2 October 2015

Iggy Farrell's quick pint


Iggie Farrell got home from Magowan's last Saturday just before five. Peggy says that the football results were on when she heard the commotion. Iggy had told Marie that he was just going for a quick one and that he'd be back for his dinner. But he got talking to Barney Pugh who bought him a pint, so he had to buy one back for Barney. Then me and Joe Horgan came in and we bought rounds. And the racing was on and well you know how it is yourself - it all got a bit messy.

The cardinal rule is never to be specific about any return time. 'Later' is as precise as I ever get. Things happen and the best laid plans of mice and men go out the window. In the meantime herself is back at the ranch fretting that you might have been murdered, and after a while thinking that if you haven't, she's bloody well going to do it when she gets a hold of you.

Marie very much rules the roost in the Farrell household. Iggy is not so much a partner in the marriage as a captive. The last time the poor bugger was asked anything was 'wilt thou Iggy take this woman?' and like an eejit, he said that he would.

Of an evening Marie operates a curfew system so that if Iggy isn't back by half eleven the door is locked and barred and he has to sleep with the cat in the shed. Iggy doesn't mind much, but the cat is territorial and not keen on lodgers. He has been known to take lumps out of Iggy just to show him who's boss.

Anyway last Saturday Iggy got back several hours later than planned. He was already facing Marie's wrath in the form of an ear bashing and a burnt dinner - if the bastard cat hadn't eaten it! Unfortunately for Iggy, Marie had just finished mopping the floor. He didn't notice - due to being pissed - and traipsed across depositing street muck en route.

It has been often said that hell hath no fury like a woman who has just mopped a floor and some gobshite walks all over it. Marie was already at boiling point and this sent her over the edge. Still armed with the mop, she laid into Iggy with it. But finding it unwieldy in the confined space, she exchanged it for a ketchup bottle which was more suited to close combat.

It was the oul wan next door who called the Guards. She saw Iggy retreating into the garden covered in tomato sauce and she thought the worst. The two Guards found Iggy in a mess and mumbling incoherently. Not knowing that he's always like that, they thought he was concussed. They managed to gather from him that he had been assaulted by Mrs F and were going to go in and arrest her - but fair do's to him, Iggy stopped them.

'Jaysus, no lads - don't go in there,' he said clutching their sleeves. 'The floor'll be still damp.'

The comedy novel 'It's a Desperate Life' is now available as a paperback or e-book from Amazon  or through http://peterhammondauthor.com and all other good book sellers.