Our Tommy - my useless son-in-law - was going on at me about healthy living. He's a vegetarian and he hasn't had a drink since little Margaret was born when he badly disgraced himself. He's had every ailment known to man, and a few no one ever heard of. And he has the neck to give ME advice on healthy living!
'Ya need to eat seven-a-day.' he said. 'Tha's the requirement now.'
I looked at him with an expression which I hoped conveyed a brew of disinterest, suspicion and contempt.
'Seven?' I asked. 'Seven feckin' wha'?'
'Vegetables,' he said. 'Portions o' vegetables.'
'Are there seven vegetables?' I asked - myself as much as him. I could think of potatoes, carrots, peas, cabbage and turnips. After that I was struggling.
'Y'are allowed fruit as well, but they're not as good.'
'Is tha' a fact?' I said, not greatly impressed. 'An' who in the name of all tha's good an' holy is comin' out with this shite?'
Tommy hadn't a breeze.
'Scientists,' he said. 'Researchers. Experts. It was on RTE.'
'RTE!' I said. 'Ah well, why didn't ya say? Jaysus Tommy, would ya ever cop on to yerself? A feckin' horse wouldn't eat tha' much vegetation. Seven portions a day! Ya'd have to get up at five in the mornin' to make a start. An' wha' abou' yer ozone layer? If we all ate tha' much veg, we'd fart the planet into a different feckin' orbit. An' where would we be then? I'll tell ya where. Freezin' our arses off out beside Neptune. Tha's where.'
'I've only one word to say to ya now Tommy, an' ya can make out of it whatever ya like,' I said.
'Wha's tha'?' he asked, showing that even a gobdaw like him can have a thirst for knowledge.
'Rashers!' I said.
I know. It was probably laying pearls before swine, but what more could I do?
The hilarious new comedy novel 'It's a Desperate Life' is now available as a paperback or e-book from Amazon and all other good book sellers, and through http://peterhammondauthor.com
No comments:
Post a Comment