A uniform is the mark of authority. Put a man in a hi-viz jacket and he will be obeyed like the emperors of old. The notable exception being bored members of the Garda Siochana holding up the walls of the GPO who manage to make a uniform look like a badly tied up potato sack.
Back in the day the hi-viz jacket hadn't been invented, and we had to make do with a peaked cap. Me and Joe Horgan had one each and we regularly delighted in reorganising the cinema queues outside the Savoy and the Carlton. Once we told people lined up outside the Plaza that the showing had been cancelled by the Department of Health due to an infestation of something. This was more plausible than you might think! They all dutifully trooped off, and me and Joe went in and had the place to ourselves. The management must have been mystified.
Another time we diverted traffic coming down the North Circular Road into a cul de sac. This was great fun until the cul de sac got full and people realised what we were up to. We would have been lynched only that the irate motorists couldn't leave their cars and chase us very far.
A great little money-spinner used to be helping drivers to park their cars in Parnell Square. This was before the Corpo muscled in on the parking racket and put in meters, clamps and their own extortionist employees.
The drill was to make a big show of guiding a driver into a parking spot, opening the door for him or her, and then offering to 'look after' the car while they were away. There were a lot of break-ins to cars back in those days, stealing radios and the like. The unspoken suggestion was that if they didn't pay a suitable fee, that something very bad might happen to their pride and joy. The great majority smiled grimly and coughed up. This was especially the case if they were visitors. The best were culchies up to see a match in Croker, who had heard and believed terrible stories about Northside gougers.
One smart-aleck - obviously a local citizen who knew the score - said to Joe:
'No, y'are alright. I won't be long, an' there's a rottweiler sittin' in the back seat.'
Without batting an eyelid, Joe responded:
'Puts out fires, does he?'
You can buy the hilarious new comedy novel 'It's a Desperate Life' as a paperback or e-book from Amazon and all other good book sellers - especially the excellent Owl Bookshop in Kentish Town, London NW5, and through http://peterhammondauthor.com
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