When the kids were little chisslers, one July we had a week in a guesthouse in Arklow. It was desperate. No, hold on, it was much worse than desperate!
The four of us were jammed into a room in
the attic with only one tiny window, which gave a fine view of a brick wall. It
wouldn't have been so bad if we had the room to ourselves, but we had to share
it with resident fauna including bed bugs, spiders, cockroaches and a family of
birds nesting in the eaves. A couple of mice visited once, but left in disgust.
Mrs Meagher, our genial hostess told me
that it was not her policy to listen to complaints as it only encouraged people
to make them. A reasonable point of view, but a shame as I had much to complain
about. There was the room which made me realise for the first time what people
were talking about when they referred to inhuman conditions in African jails -
and I was brought up in a Dublin tenement! And there was the food - at least I
think that's what it was. One evening the meal was announced to be liver and
bacon, and when I nervously pointed out to Mrs Meagher that we got no liver,
she said: 'That's right. There's no liver left.'
I won't speak of the bathroom facilities
in case you are of a nervous and sensitive disposition.
The only thing that helped us to soldier
on was the camaraderie of our fellow inmates. In particular, there was a family
from the Coombe called the Richardsons, billeted in the cell next to our one.
Me and Richie Richardson took refuge most
evenings in The Harbour Bar while the women and kids ate chips and ice cream on
the sea front. We had a great laugh joking about the dump we were staying in,
comparing it to various stalags, gulags and the black hole of Calcutta.
At the end of the week, I said to Richie -
joking like: 'Are ya goin' to leave a tip for Mrs Meagher?'
And he said - and this is no word of a
lie...
'Well, we didn't last year.'
The hilarious new comedy novel 'It's a Desperate Life' is
now available as a paperback or e-book from Amazon and all other good book
sellers, and through http://peterhammondauthor.com
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