Rain is feckin' dangerous

I paddled through the floods down to Magowan's last night, and was having a quiet pint when Ginger Celtic came in. Ginger was looking even more agitated than usual, so I asked him what was the matter with him.

"I'll tell ya," he said. "I was out doin' a job in Celbridge, an' it took a bit longer than I thought it would."

"Did it?" I asked - which was thick, because hadn't he just told me that it did? Ginger ignored me anyway.

"I was beltin' back, doin’ a steady sixty, when some gobshite braked in front o' me, an' I had to brake too."

I nodded my sympathy. The world is gone mad with gobshites braking all over the shop.

"Anyway, the van went into a massive skid on the wet. I was on a sharp right hand bend, an' all I could see was an oul wan standin’ at a bus stop. I was headin’ straight for her!"

"Jaysus Ginger!" I said. "Wha' happened?"

"Lucky enough, the kerb was nearly a foot high, an' I hit it sideways, square on. So instead o’ goin’ up on the path, the van bounced off of it.”

“She was blessed!” I said.

“Yeah! I was sittin’ there shakin’ like a jelly – ya know the way ya’d be?”

I nodded that I knew.

“The next thing she’s bangin’ on the winda on the passenger side. I thought she was goin’ to ate the head off o' me. I pressed the button an' opened it a bit.”

"Wha' did she say?" I asked.

“Are ya goin’ into Town?”

“Are ya goin’ into Town?” I echoed.

“Yeah - she wanted a lift - an’ me nearly after turnin’ her into strawberry feckin' jam."

We laughed our arses off.

The hilarious new comedy novel 'It's a Desperate Life' is now available as a paperback or an e-book from Amazon and all good booksellers, and through http://peterhammondauthor.com