A Yank tourist came into Magowan's early one evening last week. I assume that he was lost, as Magowan's is not mentioned in the brochure: 'A Thousand and One Must-See Places in Dublin'.
Miley Magee was up at the bar having a few quiet ones and reading the Herald. The Yank was down a bit from him sipping at a glass of stout like it was nitroglycerin.
Miley said that the Yank was watching him like he was a suicide risk. He was going to ask what the hell he was looking at, when the man spoke, making a noise like an out-of-tune bugle that all Yanks make when they talk.
'Sir!' said yer man. 'Excuse me, Sir!'
Nobody ever calls Miley 'Sir', but the Yank couldn't have been talking to anyone else.
Miley put down his paper, and said 'yeah' or 'wha'' or something similar.
'Sir, I've been admiring the way you drink your beer. You sure can drink fast. Yessiree!'
Miley didn't know if the fella was taking the piss. If it had been a normal person, he would have told him to feck off, but you have to make allowances for Americans. Miley just muttered something about it being normal.
'Sir, how many beers do you think you could drink in an hour?' the Yank asked.
Miley thought about it, and said he could do seven or eight pints no bother, but that he might do twelve if he exerted himself.
'Wowee!' said theYank. 'Say listen Buddy. I'd pay $500 to see that done. Whadaya say? Huh?'
'An' would ya pay for the pints?' Miley asked. He would have made a great lawyer if he hadn't had his calling to the city's waste management service.
The Yank said that he would be very happy to pay for the necessary materials, and they made the deal. That was at about six o'clock and they agreed to meet back in Magowan's at half seven for the attempt.
At the appointed time the parties were duly assembled. Betty Magowan set to pulling the pints, and Miley started sucking them up like a camel at a watering hole. It was no bother to him - like Seve Ballesteros chipping golf balls into a skip. Miley finished the twelfth pint with a good five minutes still left on the clock, and the Yank was delighted.
'Way to go!' he yipped. 'Well, that sure beats all!'
He produced the do-re-mi as promised and handed it over.
'Sir, just one thing,' he said. 'Can you tell me where you went before we started?'
Miley looked a bit sheepish.
'Well to tell ya nothin' but the truth,' he said. 'I wasn't certain tha' I could do it. So I went 'round to Kinsella's an' had twelve in there first - jus' to check.'
The hilarious new comedy novel 'It's a Desperate Life' is now available as a paperback or e-book from Amazon and all other good book sellers, and through http://peterhammondauthor.com
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