Don't forget to order a copy of 'It's a Desperate Life' for Father's Day - do it now! Not socks. Real men never need more socks.This is a myth put up by women who exalt newness over comfort and familiarity.
Last Monday Peggy went shopping for brassieres, knickers and tights. For herself, like - not me. She puts these articles of clothing under enormous stress so that they never seem to last very long on her. As I say, I've got socks and underpants that are older than most policemen,and there's still loads of wear left in them.
Tights in particular are a complete joke and a con. They're obviously not meant to last - certainly not on a woman like Peggy. You might as well be trying to hold back the incoming tide with a stern remark. I've told her time and time again to get herself some proper woolly socks, but I might as well be talking to the wall.
Anyway, she was traipsing backwards and forwards between Marks & Trotsky's and Dunnes-Stores-Better-Value-Beats-Them-All-Everyday, getting quotes and estimates, as she does.
I wasn't with her myself because life is too short for that class of thing, and anyway I had an important investment decision to make with regard to a thing that was running at Roscommon.
She got back in time to make the tea - dragging several sacks of lingerie behind her - and told me what happened.
She was in Marks, stress-testing gussets and elastic, when her attention was drawn to a drunk who had entered the premises. He staggered up and down several aisles, crashing into things and knocking them over. He seemed to be looking for something. Peggy thought that he might have remembered that he needed to buy a present for his wife's birthday. (I think that was a dig at me, because I somehow forgot again this year - a bit of a surprise after what happened last year! But that's another story.)
Eventually, he wandered into the changing-room area and locked himself into one of the little cubicles.
By then the store authorities had been alerted and a young under-manager was sent to investigate. He went into the adjoining cubicle and listened. All he could hear was the sound of the drunk grunting and muttering to himself.
'Ahem, excuse me, sir,' he said. 'Are you okay? Do you need any assistance?'
'Ah yeah! Good man!' the drunk replied.
'Is there any paper on your side?'
The hilarious new comedy novel 'It's a Desperate Life' is now available as a paperback or e-book from Amazon and all other good book sellers, and through http://peterhammondauthor.com
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